Coming to the end of myself

A guy called John Paul Warren once said, "Coming to the end of MYSELF...seems to be the very point that God steps in and shows HIMSELF to be more than enough."

It's been a long few weeks that have been filled up with event planning and preparation, Kids Church rotas and writing curriculum, kids group planning and organising, a leaders conference and two days of marriage preparation classes to name but a few things! I am EXHAUSTED! I have felt like I've been on a treadmill, constantly having to keep up with the pace or end up falling off it. 

Now usually I'm the type of person who can easily hack the busy lifestyle that working for a church brings. Usually (although I do NOT make a habit of it) I can cope a good few weeks without a day off. Usually I feel regenerated and refreshed after spending lots of time with lots of people. However, these past few weeks have been different and I've found it really hard to keep up with the pace. 

This morning was when I came to 'the end of myself'. My alarm rang out at 6.45am and all I could do was cry. I could barely lift my finger to turn off the ringing let alone heave my weary body out of bed and into Kids Church. I had a whole day ahead of me, I was leading two morning Kids Church services at St Bs, leading another Kids Church in the afternoon on our local estate and then back to St Bs for the evening service. I lay in bed for a really long time, I just couldn't move but I knew I had no option. Whilst dragging myself out of bed through my tears I said to God, "help me, because I can't do this on my own today."

I'd like to say I instantly felt alive and raring to go but it didn't happen. I made it to Church and set up Kids Church with a throbbing head and fuzzy brain. I'd decided while I was setting up that today's Kids Church was going to be as low key as I could make it and that we would probably scrape though, just!

As we do every week, myself and the team prayed before the first service and as I do every week, I asked God to come and have his way with the session. Then we let the kids in...............

I left Church at 1.30pm. I still felt tired but it was the normal sort of tired. The overwhelming weariness, the fuzzy brain, had all gone despite doing 6 hours work. I quietly reflected on the morning and I had to laugh. While I was struggling, while I was tired, while I was at the end of myself, GOD was only just beginning. He was ready to reveal himself and show me what he could do. 

This morning God came and met with 79 kids. He drew 79 kids into his presence. He gave words and pictures and feelings to 79 kids. He helped 79 kids deepen their relationship with him. 

While we were having a time of listening to God one 9 year old girl had a picture of a letter in a postbox. It was an official important looking letter because it had a seal and stamp on it. She explained that she felt there were other kids in the room who needed to read what this important letter said but for some reason they either couldn't read it or didn't want to. The letter was left with its important message unread. This 9 year old then said it was like God had an important message for some of the children but they were having difficulty hearing Gods voice or they just didn't want to engage with trying to hear from God. I asked the kids to be really brave and put their hands in the air if they thought the picture was for them. The 9 year old girl then went on to pray for those children, that their ears would be opened to hearing from God!

I wasn't in a place where I could hear clearly from God and lead ministry this morning so he spoke through a 9 year old instead. This blog would get very long if I listed everything that happened in Kids Church this morning, but be assured that it was awesome!! God was  answering my prayers and showing me that even though I had nothing to give, He had everything! Kids Church was the medication I needed for my soul. 

God, I'm so thankful that I don't have to do everything on my own and in my own strength. Thank you that when I have nothing left to give and I've reached the end, you are there. Help me to look to you when life gets busy and to also look to you when I am quiet and still. Please help me to rely and lean on you. 
Amen

Happy New Year!

I don't usually get excited about the coming of a new year. I enjoy the celebration of Christmas and all that it brings but I just don't understand the hype of seeing in a new year. 
Last night I saw in the new year with a small gathering of friends and my fiancé at his flat. It was nice, we chatted, played games, had food, a lot of booze and we got a great view of firework displays from the balcony. It was a really lovely evening. Once the hugs, kisses and happy new year greetings had ended we got onto the subject of resolutions. What did we want to do this year? What promises were we going to hold ourselves to? I often get quite cynical at moments like this because what's the point? Who keeps their resolutions for more than a month anyway? But I didn't get that feeling. Instead I had a longing and desire within me to make this year count. To gain achievements, to make memories, to just live life differently in some way.
Today we all went for a New Years Day walk. As we talked and laughed our way through the cold and the mud, I began to ponder over what this year could look like. What promises could I make to myself? I haven't formulated a proper list yet but a few things came to mind. One of them is that I want to blog more. I was disappointed with myself for the lack of advent blogs I'd managed to write. Life just got in the way. I want to create time and space for the people I love and the things I love doing. I don't want to get to the end of 2013, look back and see 'life' getting in the way. There are other things too, a bit more personal, that I'm going to hold myself to for this coming year. 
Whilst talking about resolutions we also talked about the things we had done in 2012 that were worth noting. I enjoyed remembering the year in this way. I became Assistant Children's Pastor at St Bs, I got engaged, I saw other good friends getting engaged and married and having babies, I became a Godmother, I passed my theology course, I moved house, I launched a new kids group, I preached at church, I got a nannying job, I celebrated turning 28....the list goes on!! At the beginning of 2012 I didn't know half that stuff was going to happen. The year was full of ups and downs, high points and disappointments.
So, as I start to think about my resolutions and wonder what 2013 has to hold, I go into it knowing that the year will have times to celebrate and times to be sad. Above it all though, I know that God has my plan for this year written out, that its safely in his hands and that through good and bad He will be there.